Always
by RadeliaPotter
Summary: **New revised version!** Harry and Draco have broken up. Draco deals with it the only way that he can. Angsty H/D slash
1. Draco's POV

**Always**

_I hear... a voice say "Don't be so blind"...   
it's telling me all these things...   
that you would probably hide... _

My hands were shaking as I fumbled with the Muggle locks on my door. Did you know that it's one of the only constants in my life now? Did you know that you used to be one of them? The shaking hasn't gone away since you left. Along with the shivering with cold as I lie awake at night, the spot next to me, unbearably empty. How many days has it been since you left? Two, five, nine? Has it been months, years? No matter how long it has been, the pillow you slept on still has your musky scent.

Should I have seen it coming? Did I do something wrong? Your eyes haunt me in my sleep. They haunt me when I'm awake. I need to see them looking at me like they once did. They used to love me. They used to look at me in such a way I had never thought possible.

_am I... your one and only desire...   
am I the reason you breath...   
or am I the reason you cry..._

The teapot rattles noisily as I pour tea into my cup. If you had been here, you would have taken the teapot from me and poured it yourself. You'd take my hands in yours and kiss them so softly and lovingly that all I would be able to do is stare into your emerald eyes and hope you'd realise just how much I love you. And you would see it. The tea would be forgotten and you'd lead me into the bedroom.

_Always... always... always... always... always... always... always... I just can't live without you... _

The tea lies forgotten even without you here. Tears roll unbidden down my face and I bury my face in my ever shaking hands. Thoughts that I haven't had since we were in school come floating to my mind. I hate you. I hate what you did to me. If I'm not happy, then you shouldn't be either. But no, I don't want to see you unhappy. I want to see you with me.

_I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take anymore...   
this life of solitude... _

My mind is made up. I grab my wand from my bedside table and hurry out the door in hopes of catching you right when you get home from practice. Your guard is always down when you've had a long day at work. That's also when you like to make love. The kind where I can feel everything you feel, where I can see every emotion running across your face. The silent O on your face when release comes. You've always been silent. I was always lucky to get the softest moan from you. I never worried you didn't enjoy it though. I knew it. Your face shows everything. I can now almost feel the gentle circles you like to trace in the small of my back after our love making. I long for it again. 

I appeared before your front door, not caring if any Muggles were around to see me. My heart skips a beat when I see the lights flicker on in the kitchen and then the sitting room. You've just arrived home. 

"Alohomora," I whisper without even bothering to knock. 

_Inside... it bottles up until now...   
as I walk in your door...   
all I hear is the sound...   
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...   
I just can't live without you... _

I close the door quietly and proceed into your warm home. I stop in the door to the kitchen and watch you make your dinner. With no shirt on. I clench my teeth and ball up my fists. How dare you make me feel so completely undone!

_I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you... _

I don't say anything but you seem to notice my presence. You turn around and your lovely eyes widen in surprise and you take a small step backward.

"Draco. What are you doing here?" You ask me with a small quiver in your voice. I wonder if it's because I've startled you or for some other unknown reason. I walk towards you without breaking eye contact. I know you'll look down before me. You always have. And you do, just as I get close enough to touch you. I feel the loss of your gaze already. 

"I just came to speak with you, I suppose. You're not expecting anybody, are you?" I dread that the answer is yes. "No," you answer after a moments hesitation. "I wasn't actually. And I most certainly wasn't expecting to see you standing there, of all people."

"What do you mean? Why has it come as such a surprise?" I ask, slightly hurt by his tone of voice. 

"Look, Draco... I hope you didn't come here to try and reconcile with me. I've already told you that it's over."

"You never told me why!" I exclaimed desperately. 

"It's hard to explain. I just... I just felt like we were drifting apart. It's not that I don't still love you. I do. But we need to be apart." I moved forward and placed a gentle hand on your side and you shivered under the touch. **How long has it been since somebody has touched you?** I wondered. You've always wanted to be touched. And I was always happy to give you all the love you were deprived of as a child. Is there somebody new that is willing to give that to you?

"I love you." 

_I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you... _

I hear your breath catch in your throat and you stare at me with glazed eyes.

_I just can't take anymore...   
this life of solitude... _

Why did you really break up with me? I wonder but do not speak. I unconsciously start moving slowly towards you so that your bare chest is pressed up against my robed one. I can feel how fast you're breathing. Mine is surprisingly calm and steady. I lift my hand up and softly run it down the length of your cheek. My heart lifts when you hold my hand against your face and press it more firmly against it.

_I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you... _

I gasp softly as we press our lips softly together for the first time in so long. I wrap my arms around your neck and pull us closer together. Your tongue snakes out of your mouth and runs along my lips. Oh... I've forgotten how it feels. My mouth falls open and we're back to where we were before. In my mind, we never broke up. You've been away for a while and have just come home tonight. I was here to surprise you. 

Our tongues roam over the other, exploring, just like our first kiss in our sixth year at school. It felt so new, so good. I can feel you pressing your body into me just as your kisses get harder, more needy. A loud moan vibrates in my mouth and I realise... you just moaned. You have never moaned while only kissing, rarely even during our love making. And never that loud. It elicits a moan from me and my hands begin to wander down. They reach the band of your sweatpants and I push my hand through to massage your arse. I moan again when I find that you're wearing no underwear. You know how much I love that. You begin pushing me out of the kitchen but then stop once we get to the door. You rip yourself away from me and fear ripples through my body like ice. 

_I left my head around your heart... _

"Wait. I don't want to start a fire," you state breathlessly and run back to the stove and turn the burner off and remove the pan. It had already begun smoking. You come back to me quickly and begin removing my clothing as we make our way clumsily to the stairs. We're both completely naked by the time we're halfway up. I have a hard time waiting to touch your erection. We finally make it to your large bed and fall on top of it. I roll on top of you, vowing in my head to show you how much I love you.

I begin to touch and kiss you in all the places I know that drive you wild. I know every inch of your body like the back of my hand. I'm teasing you and I know you're wanting release. Your hips are bucking involuntarily. "Draco," you hiss, "please, I need you." I don't need any further encouragement. I scramble over to your bedside table and open the drawer where I know the lubricant is. When I look at you again, you're already on your hands and knees.

"No. I want to look at you," I say, hoping that I don't sound too desperate. You obediently roll over for me. I kiss you passionately as I enter you. Oh... it's been so long. Your face is contorting between pleasure and pain, but soon the pleasure wins over. A long, loud moan emits from your mouth, the second tonight. Soon there are so many that I begin to lose count. It all becomes too much for me and I scream out your name as I let myself go inside of you. I kissed you deeply once more and you let out a strangled sob as you let yourself go onto our stomachs.

I collapsed beside you, breathing heavily. You wrapped your arms around me and started drawing slow circles in the small of my back. "I love you," I whisper hoarsely. You kiss my nose. It isn't until I'm falling asleep that I realise, you didn't say it back. 

I woke up the next morning to find the spot next to me empty. The smell of what we took part in the night before, permeated the air. I wrapped your robe around my naked body and went to find you. You're sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper. You look up at me as I come in and I can feel it coming already. I pray to every god that I had ever heard of that you wouldn't say it.

"Draco... we need to talk." 

_Why would you tear my world apart... _

"About what?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Last night. Draco, I let it go too far. I'm sorry for leading you on like that. It was horrible for me to do."

"But... you love me. You said it! Why can't we be together? You know I love you!"

"I do know it. What you don't understand is that I don't love you in the way that you want me to love you. I still care about you so much but we just don't have a future together anymore." I swallowed thickly. Why does it feel like you just took out your butcher knife and carved my heart out?

_I see... the blood all over your hands...   
does it make you feel... more like a man...   
was it all... just a part of your plan... _

My hands started to shake again. And it was in that moment that I realised... they had stopped shaking ever since I had seen you standing with your back turned to me, making your dinner. The dinner you never got to eat... I looked down at the floor with tears blurring my vision. My trousers were lying at my feet with my wand sticking out of the pocket. I bent to pick it up without thinking and then pointed it at your scarred forehead. 

_this wand is shakin' in my hands...   
and all I hear is the sound... _

You stood up from your chair with lightening speed. "Draco, what are you doing? Don't do anything stupid." You looked frantically around and I saw it in your eyes.... you were scared. Your wand was currently in your bedroom. 

"And what would you say is the stupidest thing for me to do? To hate you with a passion? Or to love you with so much passion that I can't bear to think of losing you? My hands have begun shaking ever since you left me. Did you know that? Did you know they stopped from the moment I saw you again last night?" You eyed my shaking wand hand warily. "That's right. They've started again. I'm sick of it."

_I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you... _

"Draco, please put your wand down. It won't accomplish anything here." 

"Yes, it will. I'm sorry, Harry." I couldn't do it. I turned the wand from you, love and pointed it at myself. "Avada Kedavra." A green light erupted and a rushing sound came. I heard you scream my name before I fell to the ground and knew no more.

_ I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take anymore...   
this life of solitude...   
I pick myself off the floor...  
and now I'm done with you...   
Always...   
Always...   
Always... _


	2. Harry's POV

**Always**

_Harry's POV_

I smile weakly at my team-mates but refuse to go out for drinks. They tease me for staying in my house so much... but nothing else appeals to me. I don't care to go out anymore, I don't care to see my friends. They are the ones who brought me to this place. This place without you. But they are right, aren't they? We don't have a future together. I've always wanted kids to carry on my name; I can't have that with you. I've always wanted a normal life. I can't have that if I'm with you. That's what they said.

They are right, aren't they? 

She told me to move on with my life, find a nice woman and settle down and so did he. They think it's so easy. They were lucky enough to have each other in school, and now they are moving on together. 

You and I were lucky enough to have each other in school... Why shouldn't I be able to move on with you? It's just not right, they tell me. What's not right? The fact that I love you or the fact that you're a man?

I appear inside my bedroom after I say farewell to my friends from work. My only thoughts are to take off as many clothes as possible, make dinner, then drown out my thoughts of you with a couple bottles of Ogden's Firewhiskey. I strip down, completely naked and pull on some sweatpants. I smile slightly when I remember how much you used to love it when I didn't put on any underwear. It was always a sure fire way to get you into bed. Not that I had to try that hard any other time.

I flip on lights in the sitting room and kitchen as I go through, dragging my feet. I pull out a pan and decide to just make some eggs. That's all I have anyway. I make a mental note to go the grocery store tomorrow. My eggs are not even halfway done when I feel somebody behind me, watching me cook. I bite my lip, hoping it's just my imagination. I don't know if I'll be able to maintain my willpower if it is you. I slowly turn around and see you standing in my kitchen doorway. My eyes widen in surprise and I take a small step back. I don't know what to say at first. Should I tell you that you look like shit? Should I tell you how beautiful you look? 

Your normally immaculate hair is hanging down in your face, a little of it's shine gone. Your eyes are bloodshot and I can tell that you've been crying. I want nothing more than to walk forward and hold you, tell you it's going to be all right, kiss your beautiful face, tell you I'll never leave you again. But I don't.

I steel myself so that I sound confident, like I don't love you, but my voice quivers. "Draco. What are you doing here?" I curse myself for sounding like a scared child. You start walking to me, playing your game of who will break eye contact first. You've always done that. And you always know that I'll look down first. I keep telling my brain not to look down, but then I feel the heat of your body on me and I need to look down. I can't take looking into those silver eyes, so full of questions that need to be answered so desperately.

"I just came to speak with you, I suppose. You're not expecting anybody, are you?" I can tell that you're dreading that I am expecting somebody. But that answer is no, I'm never expecting anybody anymore. I hesitate in answering and I can see the desperate pleading in your eyes. I can't give you hope. Please forgive me.

"No, I wasn't actually. And I most certainly wasn't expecting to see you standing there, of all people." Even I wince inwardly at the coldness in my voice. I can see the hurt in your face. You used to be so good at hiding your emotions. What happened? Did I do that to you? Did I make you lose your confidence?

"What do you mean? Why has it come as such a surprise?" Oh, Draco. Please don't sound so hurt. I need to do this. 

"Look, Draco... I hope you didn't come here to try and reconcile with me. I've already told you that it's over."

"You never told me why!" If only I could say why, love.

"It's hard to explain. I just... I just felt like we were drifting apart. It's not that I don't still love you. I do. But we need to be apart." Those words even hurt me to the core. But the emotionless mask was up again and inwardly, I cheered. You haven't lost your confidence. And it will make this so much easier if I can't see how this is affecting you. You moved forward and placed your hand on my side. I shivered, but didn't try to remove the touch. I haven't been touched in so long. Since the last time we made love... What was it, three months ago now? Maybe shorter. It seems so very long ago. I miss it. And then you say those words that I knew would be my undoing if you chose to say them.

"I love you."

My barriers broke down and my breath catches in my throat. I know I'm staring, but I don't care. I didn't even realise that you were moving until our chests pressed up against each other. My chest starts rising and falling rapidly, taking in quick breaths. And then your hand runs down my cheek. Oh... do you know how good it feels to be touched like this by you? I put my hand over yours so that you won't pull it away. I see your eyes light up with happiness at the return of touch. I can feel us both being pulled together by some force. We press our lips together and I can just barely hear a gasp from you. You wrapped your arms around my neck and I could feel you pulling us closer together.

My mind is telling me to pull away, but I can't. It feels so right. My tongue slides out of my mouth and runs along your lips. Your mouth falls open and our tongues collide, exploring each other. It feels exactly like our first kiss. We were both so scared and curious. All I wanted then and now is to feel every part of your mouth, to feel everything... _I want you._

I press my body against you, feeling the need to feel every curve there as well. I want to get to know your secrets again. The secrets that you've only let me know about. Our kisses get harder and I moan into your mouth, taking us both by surprise. I rarely ever moan, and I know it. I can't really explain it... I just don't. It gets to you and I feel a moan vibrate in my mouth from you. Your hands start to wander down and reach into my sweatpants and start massaging my arse. I smile inwardly when you moan again. I know it's because I'm not wearing any underwear. 

I need to get you out of here. I start pushing you out the door but stop as I remember the pan on the burner, still cooking my eggs; more like burning from the smell of them now.

"Wait. I don't want to start a fire," I say and I immediately feel the fear that crept up on you disappear with my words. I run to turn it off and take the pan away from the stove. The food had already started burning. When I get back to you, I press my lips firmly against yours and we begin our duel again. I start to remove all your clothing. You really came over with too much on. We're both naked by the time we're halfway up the stairs. I can see you eyeing my erection, just as I am eyeing yours. I want to feel it again.

After what seemed like forever, we finally collapse onto the bed, with you on top. You start to touch and kiss me all over. In places that only you know drive me wild with desire. Oh... I love you. I need you. I need you in me. I can see your smirk when my hips start bucking involuntarily. Damn you. 

"Draco... please, I need you," I hissed through my teeth. You scramble for my bedside table and I turn onto my hands and knees. I can feel your eyes on me and when you speak, it's with a hint of desperation.

"No. I want to look at you." I roll over and you lean over me and kiss me passionately. I can feel you enter me and oh... it feels so good. I start to moan with each love filled thrust. Even while we were together, it was never this good, never so filled with a desperate need for the other. I can feel you body tense up and know that you're close.

"Harry!" you scream out as you let yourself go inside of me. I'm so close now, it hurts. You kiss me deeply, passionately and I'm lost. A sob comes from my throat. It's so good I want to cry. You're so beautiful, I want to cry and hold you for the rest of eternity. You pulled out and collapsed beside me, breathing heavily. I wrapped my arms around you and start drawing slow circles in the small of your back. I know you like it. You always have ever since our first time together. As our breathing becomes normal again, you snuggle closer into my body.

"I love you," you whispered hoarsely. I kiss your nose. Should I say it? I hesitate for I don't know how long.

"I love you, too," I whisper back but then realise that you fell asleep.

I woke up when the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon. There was a warmth in my arms that felt familiar but yet foreign. It hadn't been there in so long. I look down and find you still snuggled up to my body. I sigh deeply and pull you closer, knowing that this will be the last time this ever happens for us. We can't do this. We can't be together. I made a mistake in making love to you last night. How I wish it hadn't happened. How glad I am that it did. You sigh in your sleep and turn your face up towards me.

A small smile is dancing across your face and I feel my heart ripping in two. I don't want to be the one to wipe it off. But I will. I lean down and kiss your full lips... your eyes... your cheeks... your neck... your eyes again... your mouth. I stare down at it and run gentle fingers along the length of those beautiful lips. I give lingering kisses to each corner, to the top and bottom lip. I will memorise your lips again before I break your heart for the second time. I never want to forget them. My beautiful lover. Will you ever forgive me?

I again give you a lingering kiss on the mouth and feel you kissing me back. Your tongue snakes into my mouth and we share an agonisingly slow kiss. It'll be our last. You pull away and kiss the nape of my neck and fall back onto your pillow, eyes still closed. You have a silly grin plastered on your face.

"Harry... me love you." And I realised, you're still asleep. You won't remember our last kiss when you wake up. I give kisses all down your chest, sending shivers through your body and finally tear myself away from your beautiful form. _Oh... how I'll miss you, my Draco._ I throw on a robe and go downstairs to make myself some coffee. A post owl flies in with the morning paper and I pay it and take the paper and coffee to the kitchen table. I'm in the sports section, reading about my teams latest victory when I hear you enter. I look up and can see the hesitation in your movements. You know it's coming.

"Draco... we need to talk." 

"About what?" you asked and I sighed inwardly. _You're just stalling, love._

"Last night. Draco, I let it go too far. I'm sorry for leading you on like that. It was horrible for me to do." 

"But... you love me. You said it! Why can't we be together? You know I love you!" Your voice was borderline hysterical and it was making me slightly nervous. I hoped you wouldn't do anything drastic. It made me want to cry but I couldn't let you know how I really felt. If I did... we'd be back in bed, making love again. Although, it sounded much better than seeing you leave forever.

"I do know it. What you don't understand is that I don't love you in the way that you want me to love you. I still care about you so much but we just don't have a future together anymore." Your Adam's apple bobbed up and down as you swallowed. My heart ripped in two as I saw the tears well up in your eyes, waiting to be shed. You looked down at the floor and I saw a tear fall to the floor. _My Draco... please don't cry._

Before I had time to think anything else, I saw the end of your wand pointing at my head. I stood up with a quickness that even surprised me.

"Draco, what are you doing? Don't do anything stupid," I said, trying not to sound too alarmed. I looked around the kitchen, hoping that I had left my wand on the counter. But then as if seeing it in a photo, I saw my wand lying on my bedside table. I began to panic.

"And what would you say is the stupidest thing for me to do? To hate you with a passion? Or to love you with so much passion that I can't bear to think of losing you? My hands have begun shaking ever since you left me. Did you know that? Did you know they stopped from the moment I saw you again last night?" I looked at your wand hand and sure enough, it was shaking... and badly. "That's right. They've started again. I'm sick of it." 

"Draco, please put your wand down. It won't accomplish anything here."

"Yes, it will. I'm sorry, Harry." As if in slow motion, I saw his wand turning from my head to his heart and the words seemed to come out agonisingly slow. "Avada Kedavra." The now too familiar green light erupted and I heard the rushing sound heading for my love.

"Draco!" I screamed as it hit and you fell to the ground, dead before you hit. A loud sob escaped my throat and I ran for you. Your silver eyes were open and unseeing, full of tears. Your cheeks were wet and your mouth set. I took one last look at your beautiful eyes and ran my hand over your eye lids, closing them for the last time. I touched your face; it was still so warm. You couldn't be dead. You're not dead. I began kissing your face all over in hopes that you would open your eyes again and smile at me. Tell me that you weren't powerful enough to use the Killing Curse. I got no response from you and I finally realised... my love is dead. A loud wail escaped from me and I buried my face in my robe that you were wearing. Even the short amount of time that you had been wearing it, your distinct scent lie upon it.

"No, Draco. No, no. I'm sorry. I love you. I love you." This is all their fault. If they hadn't told me that it wasn't right. That I could do better. Why did I listen? Why am I so stupid? I should have listened to myself and only myself. I love this man more than anybody else. Why did I screw it up? I moved my hands down your arms, still lying my head on your chest and staring mournfully into your face. I felt the seemingly harmless stick of wood in my left hand and wrapped my hand around yours, which was clutching your wand so tightly that I could not pry them off. I looked at it and brought your clenched fist to my mouth and kissed it. I came to my decision right then.

"I'm sorry, Ron and Hermione. You brought me to this. Even if that wasn't your intention. You did this." _I'll be right there, Draco, love._ I made you point your wand at me and I felt the unfamiliar words tumble out of my mouth. I didn't watch as the light and rushing came at me. I looked down into my lovers face and smiled. That's how I fell on top of him, smiling and looking into his face; waiting for Ron and Hermione to come pick me up for a day in Diagon Alley. This is how they'd find me. Eyes open, looking at Draco Malfoy, a large smile stretched permanently across my face. My hand wrapped around my life and my death. 


End file.
